THE STUPID JERK I'M OBSESSED WITH

(MAGGIE ESTEP)

.

The stupid jerk I'm obsessed with

stands so close to me

I can feel his breath

on my neck

and smell

the way he would smell

if we slept together

because he is the stupid jerk I'm obsessed with

and that is his primary function in life

to be a stupid jerk I can obsess over

and to talk to that dingy bimbette blonde

as if he really wanted to hear about her

manicures and

pedicures and

New Age ritualistic enema cures and

truth be known, he probably does wanna hear about it

because he is the stupid jerk I'm obsessed with

and he's obsessed with doing anything he can

to lend fuel to my fire

he makes a point of standing

looking over my shoulder

when I'm talking to the guy who adores me

and would bark like a dog

and wave to strangers

if I asked him to bark like a dog

and wave to strangers

but I can't ask him to bark like a dog

or impersonate any kind of animal at all

cause I'm too busy

looking at the way the stupid jerk I'm obsessed with

has pants on that perfectly define his well-shaped ass

to the point where I'm thoroughly frantic

I'm just gonna go home

and stick my head in the oven

overdose on nutmeg and aspirin

and sit in the bathtub reading The Executioner's Song

and being completely confounded by the fact

that I can see

the stupid jerk I'm obsessed with's face

defining itself in the peeling plaster of the wall

grinning and winking

and I start to yell,

Get the hell out of there

You're just a figment of my imagination

Just get a life and get out of my plaster

and pass me the next painful situation please

but he just keeps on

grinning and winking

he's the stupid jerk I'm obsessed with

and he's mine

in my plaster

And frankly, I couldn't be happier.

.